


Where My Heart Is Home

by Rinienne



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abundant Amount Of Bearded Supersoldiers Blushing, Accidental Relationship Declaration, Ambiguous Sexual Orientations, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Ignorance Of Local Traditions, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Spoilers to Avengers: Infinity War Prelude Comic, Nightmares, Obligatory Goats, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Pining Bucky Barnes, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Romance, Stucky in Wakanda, Virgin Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 13:30:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14935178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinienne/pseuds/Rinienne
Summary: Steve comes to visit his best friend in Wakanda. Not aware of a particular tradition, he buys Bucky a necklace on a local market as a gift. Everything seems to be fine, until the King of Wakanda himself inquires if they need help planning their wedding.





	Where My Heart Is Home

**Author's Note:**

> Information on African courting traditions is practically non-existent online, so what I used for the plot is completely made up.  
> There's no real mention of how much time passed between The Civil War and The Black Panther, but I guessed no more than half a year, because I think Wakanda would need a new king sooner than two years.  
> Many thanks to [Natasha](http://stevebucks.tumblr.com/) and [Jesh14](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesh14/pseuds/jesh14) for betaing this <3

There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky, just a vastness of blue as far as Steve’s eyes could see. Below it, everything was covered in greenery, forest spreading on each side of the road. It was also rather chilly, more so than Steve had expected. The beat up safari four-wheeler he was riding didn’t have a roof, and the strong breeze made him wish he had packed an extra jacket.

Truth be told, Steve was a little ashamed of his own lack of knowledge and for giving in to a stereotype, but this was not what he imagined Africa would be like. A long time ago, he remembered seeing a picture in a travel magazine. It was a desert landscape with everything tinted yellow, making it easy to imagine the intense heat. Of course, he later understood Africa was big and had a rather large range of climates, but that image stuck in his head, making him imagine he was going to end up under a dry, hot sun. The fact that his only other time here was spent cooped up on either a plane, or inside a building didn’t help.

The car stopped at the edge of what looked like a very small village, engine powering down, reminding Steve how loud it was in the first place, and how accustomed he’d become to the sound during the several hours of drive.

“It here,” said A’Jana, his driver, his broken English thick with local accent.

“Yeah, thank you!” Steve nodded and reached out for his pocket, pulling out several slightly crumpled bills and passing them to his driver.

He had several bank cards under a different name that also matched a set of his fake documents, and a good sum of money on each. It was a courtesy of Natasha, and he trusted her enough to know using them was safe, no one could track him. Still, he preferred cash, the feeling of money in his hand familiar, and he was more than thankful almost everyone here was ready to accept foreign currency.

Steve saw A’Jana’s eyes widen a little. “This more than need!”

Steve smirked at him. A’Jana was a good lad, smart and funny. He continued entertaining Steve for hours with stories while having difficulties speaking the same language. He was also young, and a few hundred extra dollars would never hurt anyone at that age. “Consider it a tip,” he nodded at the guy.

A’Jana grinned happily, his white teeth a stark contrast against his dark skin. He accepted the money and, after Steve grabbed his bag, restarted the car with a loud rev. “Have a good stay!” he waved goodbye, before starting to drive away.

Turning around, Steve was able to get a better look at the village. It was a small, but very neat town composed mostly of tiny clay huts with straw roofs. On one side of it was an orange orchard, a smell of citrus reaching Steve even from the distance. On the other side, there were fields surrounded by wooden fences, and he could see some animals roaming and nibbling the grass.

As he moved closer, he was almost instantly surrounded by children who watched his every step with awe. They were trying to talk to him, speaking over each other rather loudly, but Steve couldn’t understand a thing, so he simply smiled as warmly as he could muster.

There were some adults on the street too, but they didn’t engage, only glanced at the newcomer, their expressions ranging from mistrust to genuine curiosity. Most likely hearing the commotion, a man appeared from one of the bigger huts. He wasn’t particularly old, but there was plenty of gray on his head, a black and gold tunic was wrapped around his body in several layers. As his eyes settled on Steve, he gave him a nod that seemed to be both a greeting and a question.

“I’m looking for my friend, Bucky,” Steve tried to explain, hoping the man spoke at least a little bit of English.

There was no verbal response, but the man frowned. He was still for several long moments, watching the newcomer appraisingly. Then his expression softened a little, and he raised his hand, pointing somewhere away from the village, in the direction of the fields.

“Thank you,” Steve replied and bowed his head slightly, in case his words wasn’t going to be understood.

“Welcome,” the man replied. He then turned to the kids that were still surrounding Steve, barking something at them, making them run off into different directions, before he disappeared back into his house.

It wasn’t a long distance from there, but it took Steve a few moments to reach the edge of the village, finding himself in front of a long fence. He could see several people on the other side, watching the livestock, but it was difficult to tell from this far if his friend was one of them.

Steve spotted Bucky sitting under a branched tree. He looked unusual, his messy stubble grown into a full beard, his hair even longer than the last time Steve saw him. His metal arm was still missing, and he was dressed into a red robe with something blue tied around the top part of it.

Bucky also looked relaxed. There was a staff in his hand, his eyes slowly moving over a herd of goats, until finally stopping on the man approaching him.

Needing to hide for months after the Sokovia Accords, Steve tried to change his appearance a little. His hair was also longer now, and he was sporting a beard of his own, so Bucky was not able to recognize him immediately. Jumping to his feet, he gripped tighter onto the staff, his body going rigid, as if he was preparing for a leap.

Then he froze completely, his eyes going wide, the staff falling out of his hand and landing onto the soft soil with a quiet thud.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve greeted, smiling widely from the overwhelming joy of seeing his friend, amused a little by Bucky’s reaction.

Steve had no way of contacting him directly, and didn’t want to go through the King of Wakanda, afraid to put T’Challa in an uncomfortable situation if someone had found out he had communications with a traitor. Now, after seeing Bucky’s expression, a small part of him was even glad he made it a surprise.

Then Bucky smiled at him. Steve had seen him do it plenty of times before, but it was never like this. It was never so happy, so warm. It made Steve gulp, his breath hitching for a reason he couldn’t even start to explain.

And then it disappeared, so fast that Steve wondered if he simply imagined it. “Is it really you?” Bucky grinned instead, his expression still happy, just different.

“One and only,” Steve shrugged, trying to look more composed than he felt, before deciding there wasn’t a need for that and made a step forward, then another.

His friend followed his example until the two of them met in a middle. Bucky’s arm came to wrap around Steve’s torso, chin ending on his shoulder, and this simple contact between them filled Steve with so much happiness, that he laughed as he embraced him back.

“How have you been?” Steve asked after several moments. They pulled away from each other, yet stayed so close that in under different circumstances he would’ve been a little embarrassed by it, but now it didn’t seem to matter.

“Good,” Bucky replied, “Great, even!”

Steve believed it. More than that, he was able to see it with his own eyes. His friend looked well, more so that than he remembered seeing him in a while. There weren’t dark circles under his eyes, and his complexion seemed healthy. Steve could’ve also sworn he gained a little weight, and his face was no longer sullen the way it was last time they met.

“And you?” Bucky asked looking over Steve, his gaze bright, amused. “What happened to your face?”

Steve rubbed his beard. He’d never had one before, haven't even allowed himself to go unshaved for a few days, and it felt unusual under his touch. “You’re one to talk.”

They laughed again, and finally Bucky stepped away. He moved to pick up his staff from the ground, having to push away a curious gray goat that came to nibble at it. “It... uhh... looks good on you,” he said without looking at Steve. Then, before Steve could thank him for the compliment, added, “How did you even find me?”

“A man from the border tribe,” Steve shrugged. There was something poking at his hip and when he glanced down, he saw another goat, brown this time, that was trying to chew on his jeans. “A huge fella, like this,” he raised his hand over his head to indicate the height, moving at the same time away from the animal. “He was guarding the rhinos. His son actually gave me a ride.”

“Not on a rhino, I’m guessing,” Bucky chuckled watching him, and Steve wasn’t sure if he was more amused by the mention of rhinos or the goat that now moved to pull at Steve’s shirt. Finally Bucky bumped the goat with his staff — not hard, just a tap on the side — and it left Steve alone.

“No, not on a rhino,” Steve sighed, not even trying to hide disappointment from his voice. “So, goats, huh?” he added watching the animal prance towards several more of its friends.

Bucky only shrugged, “It’s a good change of pace.” There was a strange shift of his mood, and the smile disappeared from his face, his expression becoming pensive. “I probably need to get you settled in,” he said looking around.

“Umm,” Steve nodded. He looked over the huts in the distance, wondering if he was going get one of his own, or they would have to share. He didn’t mind sharing, but they looked rather small and he doubted there was enough living space for two grown men. “Do you live in one?”

“Yeah, the one on the left,” Bucky confirmed. Then he started to walk towards the edge of the field, gesturing Steve to follow. “It’s more cozy on the inside. Will take a little time to get used to bathing in the lake instead of shower, and the toilet is anywhere you feel like it, but it’s nice. Peaceful.”

Steve didn’t mean it, but he found himself making a strange, scared sound. He was starting to regret not planning it though, but he wasn’t going to back up either. He came here to see Bucky and if it was going to take—

Bucky bursted out laughing, interrupting Steve confused thoughts. “Oh god, Steve. I can’t believe you’re actually buying it!” he shook his head.

Steve stared at his friend in surprise. Then he started to laugh too, feeling a little like an idiot, but in a better mood than he’d been in a long while. There was familiarity to their interactions, acceptance. It was like returning home after years of wandering. ”I missed you, Buck. You have no idea.”

Bucky turned to glance at him, and their eyes met, making Steve suddenly uneasy. There was this tension in Bucky, as if he wanted to do something, but was holding himself from it. “I do, Steve. I do,” he said calmly and looked away.

***

Bucky talked to some older kids that worked in the field. It didn’t seem he spoke Xhosa well, but he knew some words, some phrases. Between that and gestures, he managed to communicate with them.

“I needed someone to take over my part for the next three days,” he explained as they continued on their way towards the line of the forest.

Steve had no idea why Bucky was leading him there, but he trusted his friend. “Three days?” he raised an eyebrow.

Bucky fell silent, shrugging in response, and it only increased the uneasiness in Steve. He wondered if it was some sort of a hint, and Bucky wanted him to leave after that. Not really having somewhere else to be, Steve didn’t have a timeline, he just came to see his friend for as long as he was welcomed. It pained him to think he would have to cut his visit short, but he pushed the worry away. In the end, it was only an assumption, and he didn’t want to end up overthinking it.

“You seem to be adjusting well,” Steve tried instead. A question about Bucky’s mind belonging to him was left unasked, but he knew his friend was going to hear it.

“Yeah, new place helps. Nothing to remind about the time I was indoctrinated,” Bucky shrugged pointing at his shoulder that was missing an arm. “And what you have been up to?” he asked straightening up. “Must be a bigger bang than my current life.”

Steve chuckled at the question. “Well, only if you consider stopping terrorists from smuggling alien weapons to the US to be exciting.”

“Alien weapons. What a time to be alive,” Bucky mused, sounding a little apprehensive. It made Steve wonder how much he knew about it, whether or not he was even awake during the invasion on New York, on London.

They fell silent after that, entering the lush greeneries surrounding the village. A few moments later, they stepped onto a road, and Steve had to hum in confusion, because it felt strange. The path between the trees looked like a dirt track, but when Steve stepped onto it, he most definitely felt flat cemented ground under his feet. It was also lower than he expected. Not enough to misstep and lose balance, but Steve had to readjust his weight to compensate.

On the corner of his eyes, he noticed Bucky watching him, smirking when his body reeled, and tried to pretend nothing happened. Respectfully, he allowed it to slide.

Several more steps down the secretly modern road, and Steve saw air shifting around them, a holographic image of the forest dissipaiting. The next moment, he found himself nearing a real city.

It wasn’t the capital, at least he didn’t think so, but it looked modern, with some buildings in the center reaching high into the sky, easily rivaling skyscrapers in New York City. They were surrounded by smaller constructions, many ending with transparent domes which contained gardens of some sorts. Between them, suspended in the air, was running a monorail train transporting people to their destinations.

There were colorful billboards everywhere, holographic images. Steve couldn’t read the language, but he could guess they were promoting local goods. The streets themselves were filled with people, stores on each side from the ornately paved road.

“Welcome to Bashenga,” Bucky said, “my current place of living.”

***

Bucky lived in what Steve understood to be a small apartment complex that consisted of two pristine white buildings. One of them was triangular in shape, with one of its sides going straight up, while the other was at an angle. A row of balconies that was coming out of it looked like a staircase from afar. It was about twenty stories tall, but was situated on a hill and looked rather towering over the streets below it.

The second building was a little bigger and more circular, with one of the domes on the top. There were several skyways connecting the two constructions, glass elevators coming up and down their sides. Under the hill, Steve saw a rather large market, but the rail train they took passed on the side of it, continuing its way up the hill.

“This is a really nice place,” Steve observed looking around as they reached their stop.

There was a green area between the two buildings that was something like a small park and a children’s playground, which had a surprisingly similar set of swings to any other playground Steve had ever seen. Next to it was a water reservoir with several artificial waterfalls, a wide promenade going around it.

“I spend most of the time down in the village. Sometimes even sleep there, when I’m too lazy to go back. But yeah, feels like I’ve been on a strange vacation for months,” Bucky shrugged with a sigh. He didn’t sound particularly enthusiastic, but Steve hoped it was because he was used to it in the short time since he woke up from his cryostasis, and not because he didn’t like it here.

“Well, you needed a vacation,” he pointed out.

Bucky raised an eyebrow as he looked at him. He started to speak again, but before he could form a single word, a rather large ship passed over their heads.

It was almost round in shape, dark-gray in color and was covered in royal insignias. Steve watched it enter the dome on the roof, landing somewhere inside, out of his view. “Is it a common thing?” he asked pointing at the dome.

“Uh, no. I guess your arrival didn’t go unnoticed,” Bucky hummed.

***

Steve didn’t spent a lot of time around T’Challa when he and Bucky arrived in the country for the first time months ago. Still, he developed a lot of respect for the King of Wakanda and was honestly glad to see him.

T’Challa stood before the entrance to the apartment, surrounded by an entourage of his Dora Milaje warriors. His posture was rigid, hands locked behind his back, which made him look very noble, reminding Steve a feline even out of his suite. Still, there was a friendly, warm smile on his face as he saw them nearing.

“It’s an honor to see you again,” Steve nodded approaching the king and giving his hand a shake. “Please forgive me for not letting you know beforehand about my arrival.”

“It is a pleasure,” T’Challa agreed. “And as for your return, I did say you’re always welcome here and free to come and go as you please.” He then turned to Bucky, and the two exchanged a handshake as well. “Good to see you in good health.”

“Thank you,” Bucky replied simply. He was a little quieter than his usual self, as if he still didn’t figure out how to properly speak with royalty. It led Steve to believe that they hadn’t been in contact much. “Please, come on in,” he added moving to open his door.

Steve watched him letting T’Challa walk in first, his entourage staying to wait outside. He wondered if there was a significance to a particular order of entering and followed them into the apartment, finding himself in a rather cozy little room.

He wanted to explore the place, curious about his friend's whereabouts, but he decided to ignore the urge, worried about being impolite. “Is there anything we could assist you with?” he asked instead, his attention turning back to the king.

T’Challa shook his head at the question. “It is just a friendly visit,” he said, then hummed and glanced around the place, as if he was seeing it for the first time too. To tell the truth, it would not have surprised Steve, as he doubted T’Challa was the one to personally pick an apartment for one refugee. Still, at one point his attention returned to the two of them, his expression turning approving as if he decided the accommodation was up to some unspoken standard.

“I will be able to provide another living arrangement somewhere nearby this area. If needed, even in this building, but it might take until the evening, as I would have to relocate somebody else.”

Steve had no idea what was the standard procedure for this ‘relocation’, whether or not a poor soul who lived there was going to end up on the street or moved into a luxury resort. He didn’t care, because in the end it meant his presence would cause inconvenience for them.

“I thank you for your offer, but I would like to stay with Bucky,” Steve smiled warmly.

T'Challa looked back and forth between the two, his facial expression changing. It wasn’t surprise, or at least Steve didn’t think it was, more like he realized something that Steve couldn’t even start to understand. “Ah, I apologize, I didn’t know. Still we can find the two of you a better place, bigger.”

Looking for advice, Steve turned to his friend, only to find him baffled for some reason, a pinkish tint coloring his cheeks. “Are you sure about it?” he asked glancing at Steve, his intonation almost pleading.

“I am,” Steve replied slightly confused by their entire interaction, not able to see the reasons behind Bucky’s reaction. He honestly came here to spend time with his best friend whom he’d missed. He arrived to the country without warning, and had no right to expect everyone to pander to his comfort. “Your hospitality is appreciated, but you’ve already done too much for us.”

T’Challa took a deep breath, his hands coming to lock behind his back again. “You helped me to find the real murderer of my father, so it’s the least I can do for you. Speaking of which,” he added a little more cheerfully. “I have some delegations from outside visiting Birnin Zana. None of them are from the States, but if you don’t want to end up spotted, I would advise staying away from the capital today and tomorrow. But afterwards, I would like to invite you two to dine with me.”

“It would be an honor,” Steve agreed with enthusiasm.

Something in T’Challa’s posture eased, and now he stood in the middle of a small room looking like a normal, down to Earth guy, who just came to see old friends. Even his visibly expensive outfit seemed more ordinary with this more relaxed stance. “Please, I will be glad for you to join,” he smiled.

After a short round of goodbyes, T’Challa turned around and left the apartment. Steve couldn’t see it, but he heard his guards, who were still waiting outside, moving after him.

“He’s a good man,” he nodded approvingly watching Bucky closing the door behind him. Then, as he once again found himself alone with his friend, he frowned. “What was it all about? I mean earlier. You didn’t want me to stay here?” Steve realized suddenly that he, perhaps, overstepped his welcome, that Bucky had other plans or even... “Are you seeing someone?” he asked, suddenly very unsure.

Bucky scoffed at that, then outright laughed, as if Steve proposed something completely ridiculous. “No, I’m not seeing anyone,” he shook his head still chuckling. “Just... just look around, you’re gonna regret it.”

And Steve did, noting the peculiarities about Bucky’s current place of living for the first time. It was a tiny apartment, just a studio room with a small living area and a built-in kitchen on one side. It was clean, lit brightly by a floor to ceiling window that occupied almost entire wall and was leading to what Steve could see was a balcony. The furniture here was all new and matching, made of natural materials like wood, marble and rock, all white, light gray and brown in colors.

It didn’t look particularly lived in, however, like a hotel room and not a home. There were little things like books on a shelf which were in English. There were some old-looking postcards pinned to what seemed to be a fridge, pantry full of packaged food, which Steve had no idea what they were, but could guess to be something requiring minimum cooking.

It felt like Bucky left as much of it untouched on purpose. As if he couldn’t decide if he wanted to settle here, make the place his, or wanted to keep as detached from it as possible, ready to move out on a moment’s notice. Steve wouldn’t be even surprised to find an emergency bag somewhere, one Bucky could grab and run away with. The thought made his heart sink.

“We are going to step on each other’s toes,” Bucky sighed finally. “Not to mention...” he nodded at a single doorway leading further into the apartment.

There wasn’t a door there, just a beaded curtain made of teal rocks. It looked really nice, but provided almost no privacy. Walking a little closer, Steve could see the doorway led to a bedroom that was even smaller than the main room. It also had only one bed, that seemed about the queen sized by American standards.

“We’ve shared a bed before,” Steve pointed out without skipping a beat. “Even a sleeping bag on a few occasions.”

They lived in an apartment about this size before and only had one bed. During the years they spent hunting Hydra, his entire squad was also often forced to sleep in tight quarters. Sometimes it was also cold, and more than once Steve had been awoken squished between Bucky and whoever else was around at the time, so he had absolutely no problem with it.

Yet, as he looked at his friend again, be noticed him looking rather uneasy. Bucky tried to hide it, but it was too late, Steve had already seen it. “Is it ok? I could sleep,” he turned to look at the couch, noting it to be way too small for his frame, “...on the floor if you find me a blanket.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at the proposition. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m taking the side closer to the window,” he nodded at the bed. “Also, if you need someplace to unpack, most of these shelves are empty,” he pointed at the a closet-like niche in the wall.

Nodding in understanding, Steve almost stepped inside the bedroom, but then remembered that some of the items from his bag were better to take out closer to the fridge. “Oh, I got something for you,” he grinned, knowing for sure Bucky would appreciate the gift.

Turning towards the kitchen area, he placed his bag onto a small table and dug into it, retrieving several packs of candy and a few bottles of beer. Neither of them could even hope to get tipsy from it, but it wasn’t the point. Steve doubted it was easy to stumble on American brands here, and so he brought a few bottles with him.

“Holy shit, are those BB BATS? I had no idea they were still making ‘em,” Bucky practically beamed reaching for the candy.

There was almost childish glee in his friend’s eyes, and it made Steve’s chest swell with warmth. The grin on his face turned into a genuine smile as he watched Bucky tear into one of the bags and pull out one of the candies by the stick, immediately unwrapping it and sending it into his mouth.

“Yeah, you can still get them on the internet,” he replied, his voice turning soft with affection. Of course, it was a rather difficult task to do without a real delivery address, but Steve wasn’t going to mention it.

Still smiling, Bucky turned to him and their eyes met. They didn’t look at each other for long, but in that instance Bucky’s expression managed to change from happy, to something Steve had no idea how to interpret, only that it was incredibly deep and profound. Then it shifted to a more composed one, and Bucky hurried to turn away, making Steve ponder what was going on with his best friend.

***

The market under the hill they passed earlier was bustling. There were hundreds of different stands that sold a variety of things. All of these vendors were sharing the space with various storefronts, which were displaying furniture, decor behind transparent forcefields with lines of text Steve couldn’t read flashing over them.

There were plenty of clothes here too, a lot of it was vibrant, influenced heavily by local culture. Yet, among them, he could see a lot of simple things, ones he wouldn’t even guess were from Wakanda if he saw them sold anywhere else in the world.

Bucky was dragging him from one stand to the other, picking fresh produce: eggs, meat, vegetables — a very standard combination.

“I usually go to a store under the apartment complex,” Bucky explained as they stood before a stand with citrus fruits, picking the most appealing oranges out of a pile. “But I also just eat microwaveable dinners.”

“Hm, and I though your waist getting wider was simply my imagination,” Steve smirked, for which he received a leveled stare form his friend.

“Careful there, Rogers. Don’t piss off your cook, because you never know what would end up on your plate,” he smirked.

“That would’ve been a problem if your cooking wasn’t terrible to begin with.”

The banter between them was familiar, an easy routine they managed to fall into even after so long of being apart. Still, there was something a little off about Bucky, and Steve couldn’t put a finger on what it was.

He was smiling to people, communicating easily in a mix of words and gestures, seeming rather at ease in his surroundings. Steve wanted to be happy for him, but somehow it looked like he was playing a role. As if Bucky was on a mission and needed to pretend to be happy, live a life that was not his.

Steve wondered if it was why he prefered to stay away from the city, spend most of the day out in the village with goats. It was a chilling thought, and he wished he could do something to improve his friend’s mood, because Bucky had suffered enough, because he deserved something nice.

Lost in thought, he didn’t even notice how the portion of the market with food ended, giving way to a section that was primarily occupied with artisan stands, the appearance of which varied depending what was sold in each of them. Because of it, everything here looked bright and colorful, and Steve’s curiosity picked up as he looked over local arts and crafts which ranged from handmade jewelry to metal decor that was bigger than him.

“We should probably go back,” Bucky proposed. Then, as he was most likely able to read Steve’s disappointment, added, “We’ll get back here some other day. Just without the groceries.”

Steve nodded in agreement and was almost ready to turn around, follow his friend, when something caught his attention. It was a stand with jewelry, but it wasn’t a standard feminine kind, or at least Steve had seen similar things being worn by men around him.

He wasn’t particularly interested in local fashion, but one of the necklaces that laid on the stand made him think of his friend a little. It was a leather bound round stone, probably some sort of quartz, but blood-red. Either because of a natural composition of the mineral, or because someone added artificial cracks to the back of the rock, the light was reflecting from it in a form of a star.

“Hi, there! Anything I can help you with?” Steve heard the vendor greeting him in rather good English, and when he raised his eyes he saw a young woman behind the counter.

She was smiling pleasantly and was rather attractive. Almost every part of her body was covered with jewelry. Bracelets were coming up from her wrists almost to the shoulders, an assortments of pins entwined with her short hair, sewed into her clothes. There were so many things on her, Steve wasn’t sure how she could even move around.

There was only one necklace, however, and it was exactly like the one he was looking at. “This is suitable for a man, right?” he asked picking the thing up.

She grinned widely at him. “Either for yourself or as a gift, it will do great for a man,” she confirmed.

Steve looked around, but couldn’t see Bucky anywhere. His friend most likely didn’t notice him stop, so he needed to hurry and catch up with him. “How much do you want for it?”

She looked him up and down appraisingly. “Five dollars?”

Steve nodded and reached for another one of his pockets trying to locate the needed sum of money. Finally, he found a bill and passed it to the girl.

“Thanks,” she smiled taking the money and the necklace, placing the piece of jewelry into a small plastic bag. “What are you doing here, in Wakanda, by the way?”

Steve wished to stay and talk a little, was himself curious about where she learned English so well, but he couldn’t. “Just visiting a friend of mine,” he replied taking the bag from her.  “Who has left by the way, so I really have to run,” he added apologetically and took a small step backwards from her stand.

“Ah, cool then. Have a good day,” she waved.

“Yeah, have a great day too,” Steve replied and hurried to leave and find the other man.

Bucky, it turned out, was already able to reach the train station. Holding a grocery bag against his chest, he was looking around with a worried expression. Then, as he caught the sight of Steve, he relaxed in relief. “What happened?” he asked with a sigh and just a slight tinge of anger.

“I got you something,” Steve explained approaching him. He was grinning the entire time, wishing he could show Bucky his find, but he also wanted to see it on his friend and trying to put it on in a middle of a train stop while both of them carried bags was going to be a challenge. “I’ll show you when we get back to your place.”

Only when they reached the apartment, depositing all the groceries onto the table, Steve pulled out the pendant, holding it out for his friend to check out.

Bucky gave it a single glance, and suddenly his eyes went wide, his mouth opening in surprise as he stared at the thing in shock. “Umm,” he blinked a few times, his cheeks turning a shade redder.

“Is... is there something wrong?” Steve asked, feeling suddenly unsure, pondering if he made a mistake. “I mean, the seller assured me it would be ok if worn by a man, but... uh.”

“Oh, no,” Bucky shook his head and smiled shyly. “It’s nice. Yeah, I like it.”

Steve held it out only to be greeted by a pointed glare from his friend. Unintentionally, his eyes fell onto Bucky’s shoulder, and he started to feel like a complete idiot. “Let me help,” he said and stepped towards the other man, placing the pendant around his neck.

The strap of the necklace was short and it had a complicated lock. Bucky’s longer hair was covering his neck, and Steve had to push it away, carefully, making sure not a single strand was going to end up accidentally pulled.

The entire time, Bucky was standing completely still, immovable like a statue. They were so close Steve could feel the warmth of his body even though the layers of clothing between them. He could see every freckle on his friend’s neck, one sitting right between his collarbones, one on the side poking out just below his beard. On the side of his neck, Steve noted Bucky’s pulse was too fast for his measured breathing, as if he was putting an effort into remaining calm.

It was doing something with Steve’s own responses, his mouth going suddenly dry, his hands starting to shake slightly, making it more difficult to screw the sides of the lock into each other.

But the time he finished with the task, his head was buzzing as from alcohol, something he almost forgot the sensation of. Taking a step back, he had to take a deep breath to calm himself, and only then was he able to admire his effort.

“Thank you,” Bucky nodded biting his lower lip, still looking rather flustered. “I, um. I’ll be right back,” he smiled awkwardly and turned around to make a hurried retreat into the bathroom, leaving Steve to stand alone in the room, pondering what just transpired between them.

***

“Moments like this I miss my arm the most,” Bucky said, placing the bottle of beer onto a small table between them, before picking up one of the candies from the pack, unwrapping it with his teeth.

“Beer with candy? Yeah, that’s gotta taste like something incapable of giving you an upset stomach,” Steve chuckled sarcastically, shaking his head, before ignoring his own words and picking one for himself too.

They sat on the balcony enjoying the quiet evening. Bucky’s apartment was only on the eleventh floor, and it wasn’t one of the corner ones, with bigger balconies, but it was nice. It was long, spreading down the entire length of the living space, with exits to both the main room and the bedroom. The building’s location on a hill allowed them to have a good view of the city and the mountain range beyond it.

Bucky finally managed to finish his task, wrapper falling onto the floor to be momentarily forgotten. He stuffed the brown bar into his mouth, pulling at the stick between his teeth to separate it from the candy. “God, it even tastes the same,” he sighed, a large content grin spreading over his face.

Steve hummed in agreement, the sweet toffee paste melting against his tongue. It was supposed to taste like caramel, but in reality it was more like dirt mixed with corn syrup, yet it was an acquired taste, nostalgic.

Bucky looked relaxed next to him, almost carefree in comparison to earlier. It reminded Steve of lazy summer evenings the two of them used to share long time ago. The slowly setting sun was tinting their skin with the same shade of yellow, and there was the same warmth in its rays. And if Steve could ignore the picture of a city that wasn’t his, he could imagine they were children again, unburdened by the war, by losses, returned back in time to enjoy little things that seemed unimportant at the time.

Except there were wrinkles around their eyes now, gray hair in their beards, and more memories about the past than dreams of the future.

That was why Steve wished desperately for this moment to last, wished he had something to draw the a little bit sad smile on Bucky’s face. He wanted to trace the exact line of his lips with a pencil, their quirk, depict correctly the depth of his eyes, the sharp edge of his chin that was curving into his neck where the red stone of his new necklace gleamed.

Steve couldn’t do it now, so he tried to replicate the movement of the pencil with his eyes, memorize every detail, feeling warmer on the inside from it, as if the setting sun was able to reach there too.

Bucky’s gaze shifted to him, his expression questioning, and Steve realized he was staring. Caught in the act, he hurried to look away, unsure why he was embarrassed about it.

“You alright?” Bucky asked.

“Funny you’re the one asking it,” Steve scoffed, trying to calm down at least to the point his cheeks would stop burning.

He expected his friend to ask what he meant, to pretend he had no idea what he was talking about, but he only sighed and looked away. “I... I know, I’m not in the best of moods recently, I’m sorry,” he said finally.

“What?” Steve asked, looking at the other man in shock. “No, don’t be. I’m the one who needed to apologize. I needed to be here when they woke you up, I wanted to, but I got stuck in Siria running after some terrorists.”

He saw Bucky roll his eyes. “Here we go again,” he shook his head. “Jeez, Steve, I’m happy you weren’t here.”

The words his friend spoke hurt Steve so much, it was almost a physical sensation. “What?”

“I mean... I was a mess, I’m glad you didn’t have to witness it,” he explained and bit his lip. “You are here now, you came as soon as you could, and it’s all that matters.”

“I wouldn’t care if you were a mess, Buck. I _wanted_ to be here for you.”

Bucky snorted and reached for another candy — there was already a pile of wrappers starting to gather on his side of the table. “You never change, do you?” he asked, but his question sounded like a statement of the obvious.

“I guess not,” Steve replied leaning further into the backrest of his chair.

They fell silent after that, just sitting near each other, enjoying a light, fresh breeze and watching people moving down the streets.

Living in New York, Steve was used to a different sound of a city, to a never-ending hum of it. Here, it was quieter. The noise coming from below was distant, and instead, Steve could hear dozens of birds singing, some of which he’d never heard before. Somewhere from above them, probably from a neighbouring apartment, was coming a pleasant chime of bells.

“But we did change,” Bucky spoke again, his voice cutting sharply through the air. “Both of us.”

When Steve looked at him, he saw his friend clenching and unclenching his fist, a gesture of nervousness. He wasn’t sure what could’ve made his friend nervous, but it was contagious. Something in the pit of Steve’s stomach settled cold and unpleasant.

“We’ve been through so much, so we’re different. And the way we look at each other is different. At least it’s the case for me,” Bucky continued without even looking at him.

“It’s the beard, isn’t it?” Steve chuckled, gesturing to his face. He didn’t intend to deflect it with a joke, but it was a defensive reaction, because there was that same tension in his friend as before, as if had something important to say and wasn’t sure Steve was going to like hearing it.

“Ah, just... forget it,” Bucky sighed. He was finished with another candy and now reached again for his beer.

“I don’t want you to look at me differently,” Steve shook his head. More than anything, he missed the easy friendship they used to have before the war, he wanted it back. It was very selfish, perhaps the most selfish Steve ever dared to be, but if he had a chance to restore that relationship, he wanted to take it. “I... I don’t,” he almost pleaded.

Bucky stared at him, and there was suddenly so much pain in his expression, Steve found himself practically drowning in guilt.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked, because he couldn’t interpret that expression as anything else. The thought scared him, more than terrorists, more than aliens ever could.

To his relief, Bucky looked at him confused, shaking his head without even taking a moment to think. “What? Why would you... No!” he said. Then he turning more serious, “It’s just... you picked a very inconvenient time to come.”

“Huh?” Steve raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Bucky bit his lip and Steve understood that whatever it was, it was uncomfortable for him to talk about. He felt another pang of pain, because they used to be able to share anything before. Then again, Steve was still trying to compare now to their youth. Not that going to bed hungry or not knowing how to pay rent weren’t big problems, but they simply couldn't compare to what they had to go through in the last few years.

Reaching out over the table, Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, squeezing it gently in reassurance. He felt him tense under his palm, but then relax, leaning in even if only slightly.

“You know, scientists here managed to remove my programming,” Bucky started finally, sounding apprehensive. “Well, it did work, and I won’t go on a killing spree anymore, but... there are some side effects when I hear the trigger words. In any language I understand.” Bucky’s jaw clenched, and he started to pick at the label of the bottle with his fingernail, looking even more nervous than before. “So, they make me go through therapy. It’s tomorrow and I can’t skip. It helps, but I can be rather off afterwards.” He paused, taking a deep breath, and Steve saw more blood rising to his cheeks. “I just didn’t want for you to worry.”

Steve couldn’t hold in a sigh of relief as he heard it. “Is that all? I really thought you didn’t want me in your life anymore.” He then smiled and shook his head glancing for a moment down at his own bottle. “After everything, I will worry no matter what. At least this way, I can support you through it.”

There was another pause from Bucky and then a short, low laugh escaped him. “I guess the way I look at you didn’t change much in the end. It’s always been like that.”

Steve didn’t understand what Bucky meant, and something told him he wasn’t going to elaborate even if asked. And so he didn’t. Instead he turned back to the picture before them, watching the last part of the sun disappear behind the mountain.

***

It was impossible to notice at a first glance, but there were a lot of drawers, shelves, and racks, hidden all over the walls behind doors and panels. A few of them were occupied with Bucky’s things, but the vast majority of this storage space was completely empty.

Still unsure for how long he was going to stay here, Steve tried to order his own clothing in a way that it wouldn’t take too long to repack. He didn’t really bring much, a few spare shirts, two extra pairs of pants, one of which were jogging sweats, some underwear, socks. That meant he was done in less than five minutes.

The sound of running water was coming from the bathroom, Bucky taking a shower before going to bed, leaving Steve to wander back and forth around the small apartment, looking around.

A little bored, Steve pulled a few books out of the bookcase, the one he could read the title of. Bucky had a few favorite books growing up, mostly science fiction, but generally he wasn’t a vivid reader. Many of these books were about the Wakandian culture and traditions, and it made Steve ponder if his friend got them himself to fit in better, or if they were gifted to him.

There was a different shelf that Steve didn’t notice at first, it contained some clay figurines. It was obvious the figurines were animals, but he couldn't tell for sure what kind, because of how clumsily they were made. Some of them were covered in fingerprints, the hands who made them small, obviously belonging to children, and Steve found himself smiling as he realized they were most likely made for Bucky by the kids in the village.

His eyes then fell onto a small writing desk, and he noticed a notebook laying on the corner of it. It was leather bound, with plenty of page markers of different colors. It was very similar to one he’d found in Bucky’s previous apartment, and Steve found himself really curious about the contents of it. This time he didn’t have a reason, so he didn’t open it, respecting his friend’s privacy.

He was about to poke around the shelves in the kitchen when a strange buzzing interrupted him. It was coming from the door leading outside, and when Steve walked closer, he saw an image of a young man materializing next to it.

“I have a delivery for Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers,” the man said lifting what looked to be a basket of some sort high enough it appeared in the holographic projection.

Steve raised an eyebrow thinking about it. There weren’t many people who knew about them staying here, so he doubted it was a setup. Besides, even if was already dark outside, it wasn’t really late in the evening, so a delivery service still working didn’t seem suspicious, and so he opened the door.

The man smiled at him pleasantly and handed him a large weaved basket full of random things. As he left, Steve moved it to the kitchen, placing it on the table, looking through the various items it was filled with.

Either Wakanda had similar traditions, or they looked this up, because Steve had no doubt it was a welcome basket. It was signed by Ayo and Aneka from the Dora Milaje, and while Steve couldn’t say the names were familiar, he could guess they were present here earlier, as a part of T’Challa’s entourage.

There wasn’t much food inside it, but there were two bottles which he had no doubt contained alcohol, some sort of fruit jam, honey. Then there were a few bottles he wasn’t sure about, but he thought it was some sort of shampoo and soap.

One other bottle attracted his attention. It was bright red, with roses on the label, yet when he opened it, he was sure it smelled of strawberry and something else equally sweet.

“Who was it?” Steve heard Bucky’s voice, the man himself appearing in the doorway a moment later.

He changed into a new shirt and knee-long shorts, both of which were shades of gray. His hair was wet, sticking to his face and dripping a little onto his shirt, leaving dark marks on the material. The fabric on his chest was also a little damp, which told Steve he barely had time to dry himself after the shower.

“Delivery,” Steve shrugged taking another sniff from the bottle in his hand — it had a really nice smell, one that was making something inside his chest buzz pleasantly.

“Cool,” Bucky nodded looking over the bottles and plastic containers, before his eyes stopped on the one Steve was sniffing, and his eyes went a little wider for some reason.

“You know what it is?” Steve asked, showing him the label.

Bucky didn’t say anything, only shook his head, before squirming somewhat uncomfortably and looking away.

***

Steve didn’t remember when was the last time he had such a good sleep. His months traveling between Europe and Eastern Asia were far from pleasant, and his sleeping arrangements ranged from blankets on a floor in abandoned buildings to seedy motels with furniture perhaps as old as he was.

This bed was one of the best he’d ever slept on, and he wasn’t sure what the pillows were made of, but his neck had never felt so good.

It was bright outside the window when he woke up, yet he didn’t think the sun had risen yet. He closed his eyes again, wanting to sleep just for a little longer, enjoying the warmth of the blanket and a pleasant smell of laundry detergent that was still coming from his pillowcase even after the entire night.

There was a slight movement beside him and Steve opened his eyes, his gaze immediately landing on Bucky. He saw his friend sleeping on his stomach, his pillow pushed out of the way. He looked peaceful, breathing deep and even, his mouth slightly parted. There was a strand of hair falling onto his face and over his lips, which made Steve have to hold in a chuckle. Without thinking, he reached out, carefully moving the lock out of the way.

Bucky’s eyelashes fluttered, and he opened his eyes, a frown appearing on his face. Then, he focused on Steve, and any trace of concern melted away, replaced by a smile that made something in Steve’s stomach feel really warm and tingly.

“Morning,” Bucky muttered sleepilly, leaning into the touch, his beard feeling soft but prickly against Steve’s palm. Then he stilled, his eyes opening completely. He stared at Stave a little shocked for a second, then slowly moved away. “Ugh, sorry, I wasn’t completely awake yet,” he huffed.

“It’s fine,” Steve grinned amused, then reached out again, ruffling Bucky’s already messy hair even more, making him groan in annoyance and roll away, getting up from the bed completely.

“You’re making the bed, by the way,” he said walking towards the window and stretching, his back turned to Steve. “I’m gonna go pack our breakfast.”

Steve hummed in agreement, watching the fabric of his friend’s shirt rise up with his movement. Then his brain caught up with what Bucky said. “ _Pack_ our breakfast? Where are we going?”

Bucky glanced backwards at him, his expression challenging. “Jogging. Or have you decided to go completely out of shape?”

***

The temperature dropped during the night, and it was still cold when they left the apartment. In the higher altitude, everything around them was blanketed in fog, the forest seeming eerie because of it, uninviting. But it was also empty, no-one around them but birds, and an occasional monkey jumping from tree to tree as they jogged down a well-kept path.

Sometime during their run, Bucky made a turn, leaving the dedicated trek, picking a barely noticeable trail between the trees instead. “Just trust me on this,” he reassured.

Steve did, and he was also thankful about picking longer sweatpants and not having to deal with branches hitting him on the shins. Around fifteen minutes later, Steve realized his trust wasn’t misplaced. He heard it at first, before he was able to see it — a roar of a waterfall coming from behind the line of trees. Another moment, and he found himself in a clearing, a river running down rocky slopes in the very center of it.

There was a waterfall, not too high, only about ten feet down, with a rather large pool of almost still water at the very base of it.

“Nice,” Steve smiled looking around. By this point, he was breathing heavily, and his muscles burned. Even the chilly morning couldn’t prevent him from feeling hot, and an idea formed in his head. “It’s pretty secluded, isn’t it? I mean, no one’s gonna walk in on us?”

Still breathing heavily, Bucky licked his lips, a strange twinkle appearing in his eyes. “I’ve never seen anyone here,” he confirmed.

“Great,” Steve grinned. Dropping the backpack on his shoulders to the ground, he started to pull off his shirt, leaving it to hang on the closest tree branch, followed by his sweatpants.

“It’s pretty cold though,” his friend warned walking towards some rocks, taking a seat there.

In underwear and shoes alone, Steve walked almost to the edge of the water, before hastily pulling them off too, trying to set them onto the ground in a way, his briefs would stay on top of his sneakers and wouldn’t end up soaked. “You’ve never been afraid of cold,” he pointed out noticing Bucky was remaining completely dressed.

His friend made a strange sound, and his jaw clenched slightly. “Yeah, what if I will need to drag your ass out of the water again? Like that time when you almost drowned?” he asked, looking somewhere distant, to the vastness in front of him.

Steve rolled his eyes. “I was twelve!” he reminded. “And had a muscle spasm.” And then he started to walk into the water. “It’s nice, don’t be a scaredy cat,” he teased.

He lied. The water was freezing, and he almost yelped as his hips submerged under it, cooling the parts of his body that shouldn’t probably be this cold. Still, he pushed forward, until he was finally deep enough he could start swimming. Then he turned to float on his back, and looked at Bucky again, trying to pretend he was really enjoying himself.

The other man gifted him with a stern expression, but then started to undress too. It was a little more challenging for him with only one arm, but his shirt and pants were loose, so he was managing rather fine.

It was the first time Steve seen him shirtless since Bucky was placed into cryogenic stasis. The last time his arm was gone but the shoulder itself was still covered in metal plating. Now all of the metal was gone too. There was skin under it, covered in scars as if someone had cut it open then sewed it back together. There were some metal sticking out of the stump that was left of his real arm, some plug ports, wires.

Steve turned to look away, feeling suddenly angry, guilty at himself for allowing this to happen.

“Does it hurt?” he asked without looking, sure Bucky would understand what he meant.

“The arm? It used to. A lot,” Bucky replied. “Shuri, you know, T’Challa’s sister, the scientist who helped me, she did something. Have no idea what, but the pain is gone now.”

Steve sighed in relief, extremely thankful for all the help the royal family had given them, hoping there will be a day he could find a way to really thank them.

“You know, if we get frozen, maybe the next time we wake up, space travel will be common,” Steve heard his friend joke meanwhile, his voice still coming somewhere from the shore.

“Fighting invaders from space? Yeah, that would be a new one.”

“They would no longer consider us traitors...”

Everything around went quiet, and Steve had to bite his lip, feeling his mood starting to go down rapidly. He was able to hear the water splashing, Bucky entering the pool too, muttering something about wanting to kick Steve in the gut for making him do this.

“What would you do, if you were no longer on the most wanted list?” Steve asked ignoring it.

“Return home,” Bucky replied without even needing to think.

“To Brooklyn?” Steve raised an eyebrow finally turning to look at the other man again, just in time to see him submerge for a moment completely, then resurface, wet hair sticking to his head, water dripping from the beard.

“No, to y—“ and then he stopped, shaking his head. “Doesn’t matter. Just back to America, I guess. You know, I still haven’t seen the Grand Canyon,” he paused then, as if thinking. “But if you’d need me somewhere else, I’d join in a heartbeat, you know that.”

Steve felt the muscles of his jaw clench. The cold unpleasant lump of emotions returned to the pit of his stomach once again, his guilt making him want to punch something. “All your problems started with you following me.”

Bucky made a strained noise. “It was for the right cause, and you know it.”

“It doesn’t matter. You could’ve had a life without me. Family.”

“Oh? Cause the war and Hydra had obviously nothing to do with it,” Bucky groaned, and it looked like Steve managed to ruin not only his own mood, but his friend’s as well, because there was now anger in both of their voices. “Besides, I would’ve been dead. Did your memories really go bad from old age, and you can’t even remember saving my entire squad?”

“I know. I...” Steve sighed. “I just don’t want to you to feel obligated.”

This time Bucky actually laughed, yet Steve doubted it was because he thought about something funny. “Says the guy who lost everything for someone who tried to kill him.”

“I didn’t lose you.”

Steve felt the water rippling around him, splashing against his skin as Bucky moved closer. “What is so important about me?” he asked quietly.

He was now close enough to Steve it was easy to hear him even over the rumble of the waterfall. There was something different to his voice, a low, deep note that made Steve shiver even harder than the cold water could make him. At the same time his eyes burned with an emotion Steve couldn’t name, could only recognize the intensity of it.

They were close, so much that some parts of their bodies were touching even at the slightest of movements. For the first time Steve thought that, perhaps, they were crossing some strange line, that this was somehow inappropriate for two completely naked men, save for the necklace around Bucky’s neck.

“You’re my friend, Buck. You know that!” Steve replied, a little confused, not understanding why Bucky would ever doubt this fact.

The other man stared at him for a moment. “I don’t deserve your friendship, much less anything else.”

With that he started to swim back towards the shore, emerging from the pool as he reached it. Streaks of water were rolling down his skin, and Steve unintentionally followed one particular droplet with his eyes. It traveled over his shoulder blades descending to the small of his back.

Steve bit his lip, and looked up, at the patches of blue sky before he could see where else it could go. He remembered envying his friend’s physique before he was given the serum. He still did a little, because Bucky’s body was not a result of some scientific experiment, even if he also was given a version of the ability increasing drug. Of course there was hereditary luck playing some part, but most of it was hard work, dedication.

“Come on, get out of the water,” Bucky called him from the shore and when Steve glanced at him again, he noted his friend already managing to put his pants on. “I ain’t letting you get frozen till space travel age without me.”

***

“Oh look, my least favorite lab rat is here!” Shuri yelled from the other end of the lab. Steve had seen her several months ago, when he’d been here the first time, but they hadn’t spoken. Still, he was able to recognize the young girl who helped his friend immediately.  “And he brought a friend, how sweet!” she added, her intonation sarcastic.

“If I couldn’t see your face, I wouldn’t be too upset either,” Bucky replied as they continued to walk towards her.

The lab was bright and enormous, full of strange devices Steve couldn’t even start to guess the purpose of. All of the surfaces were made of a material that looked like a mix of glass and metal, and he wondered if it was possible to polish vibranium to this level, or if it was something else they used.

It was also practically empty in here, just several members of the personnel. A lot of stations were empty, and Steve wondered if it always was like this, or because Bucky was scheduled to arrive.

As the two of them approached Shuri, she finally turned away from the table cluttered with small devices. She faced them with her arms crossed over her chest, her expression stern. Her gaze moved from Bucky to Steve and back, and then she bursted into laughter. “It’s been two weeks,” she smiled reaching out and giving Bucky a tight hug. “Were you stuck with the goats again?”

“I guess I was, I’m sorry,” Bucky answered, embracing her back.

Then she stepped away from him and started to turn towards Steve. Before she finished doing it however, her eyes snapped back at Bucky’s neck. “Get outta town!” she exclaimed. “Is that—”

“Ugh,” Bucky interrupted her, looking suddenly uncomfortable. “Steve got me it. By the way, this is Steve, I don’t think you were properly introduced.”

Shuri’s grin only widened as she finally looked at Steve and offered him a hand. “No, we weren’t. Glad to officially meet you!”

“Pleasure is mine,” Steve nodded shaking her hand. “I’m honored to finally meet the person who helped my friend so much.”

“Sure, sure,” she snickered. “I’m glad I was able to help your... _friend_ so much.”

“Shuri, please cut it out,” Bucky practically pleaded.

She nodded then shook her head. “You just have no idea how entertaining this is for me! I’ve got... sooo many questions right now,” she said cheerfully. “Just a little bit of teasing?”

Steve was completely lost in their conversation, not understanding what it all was about. Still, they behaved like close friends, and it was rather entertaining watching them interact. And Bucky seemed happier than earlier that morning, so it was a sure bonus.

Shuri reminded Steve of Rebecca, Bucky’s little sister. Out of all his siblings, she was the only one who’d always wanted to play with them every time Steve stayed over at the Barnes’ place when they were little. She used to be a sharp, active girl who liked to play with toy soldiers and trucks even while constantly being admonished for it by her parents. In many ways, she was one of the people who taught Steve not to judge someone based on their appearance.

Steve wondered if it was the reason his friend was able to connect with her so easily.

“No,” Bucky shook his head. “Not even a little.”

Shuri only shrugged, before nodding at a large contraption in the far corner of the room. “Fine, get undressed, I guess.” Then she turned to Steve and added, “You can sit next to him.”

Upon closer examination, the contraption reminded Steve of a pod, like the one Bucky was frozen in the last time. It was a little different, without a sliding lid on the front, which made it look like a strange bed, that stood forty five degree against the wall. There were flashing lights all over the thing, monitors on a side that weren’t connected to anything, just floating in the air.

Next to the pod was a bench of some sort. It was empty and about the height suitable for sitting, making Steve conclude it was the place Shuri indicated for him.

“Sorry, but I had to give away Sir Gingerbread,” Shuri continued to speak following the two. “He was a nuisance for the lab because of fur. I can get you icecream today.”

As soon as they reached the pod, something around them shifted. An opaque barrier rose around the area, cutting them off from the rest of the lab, making it seem like they were in a different room now. Taking into account Steve could no longer hear the quiet humm from the rest of the facility, he understood the barrier was also soundproof.

“Sir Gingerbread?” Steve raised an eyebrow.

“It was a cat,” Bucky shrugged and started to pull off his shirt, yet leaving the undershirt on. When he was done, he stepped into the pod, pressing his back against the flat but soft surface inside.

Immediately, the contraption started to move, dislodge from the wall and turn until it shifted to a horizontal position. At the same time even more lights flashed inside. A metal ring slid down Bucky’s forehead, and a holographic depiction of his brain appeared next to the pod.

“Emotive association,” Shuri provided helpfully, and Steve nodded even if he didn’t understand what it meant. “I developed it from several psychological practices, mainly for treating phobias.” She was a little preoccupied with reading something from the holograms, poking at the images, enlarging some parts of them before switching to the next ones. Then she stopped turning to look at Steve directly. “He didn't tell you a thing, did he?”

“He’s only been here for a day and a half,” Bucky pointed out when Steve shook his head.

Shuri eyed both of them with a smirk again. “I see,” she said then turned to the projections again. “Well, I removed the actual programming, but there are psychological side effects. We try other kinds of therapy, but his condition is very unusual, and emotive association seems to work the most.”

“Ah,” Steve nodded again. He was still not quite following it, but was trying his best to pretend he did. He noticed how uncomfortable Bucky looked listening to the explanation and wanted to reduce the length of it.

“Basically,” Shuri continued meanwhile. “We are trying to rewrite associations with the words by using them alongside positive reinforcements. So, when he hears the word nine, he’d think about a cat instead of bad stuff. With time all the associations should cancel each other out, and nine will be just a number.”

“I get to pet cats and eat ice cream while remembering the lowest part of my life. How cool is that?” Bucky retorted sarcastically from his pod, sounding rather unenthusiastic about the process.

“Oh, today’s a special treatment,” Shuri beamed, looking Steve up and down, as if she was appraising him. “Go hold his hand,” she pointed at the edge of the bench, which was close enough to the pod to comply with her request.

Bucky looked a little embarrassed, and Steve found himself wanting to chuckle nervously for reasons he didn’t know. Still, he stepped towards the bench and took a seat, looking at his friend questioningly, ready to provide any assistance he could.

“Uh, that’s... you don’t have to,” Bucky said, his face turning flushed.

“I don’t mind, really,” Steve shrugged. There was a strange anticipation in him, and he wondered if it was connected to what transpired between them when he was helping him to put on the necklace, or when they woke up this morning, or when they were swimming in the lake. Some part of him was doing its best to connect it all together, but another part was refusing, telling Steve that if he did, there could be consequences he wasn’t prepared to deal with.

Shuri, meanwhile, touched the holographic images and dragged them all after herself as she walked to the other end of the room. There, she sat down on a chair and placed them around herself. “Waiting on you guys.”

Steve reached out, his palm turned upwards in an inviting gesture, his own cheeks starting to feel hotter. Bucky looked at it suspiciously for a moment, as if he didn’t trust it was a good idea. Yet, reluctantly, he accepted the hand, their fingers interlocking with each other.

Bucky's hand was warm, a little rough to the touch, his fingers calloused slightly from physical work, from years of handling weapons. The skin on the top of his palm was softer, delicate even, and without giving it much thought, Steve found himself rubbing it with his thumb.

If Bucky found it strange, he ignored it, his attention focused somewhere else.

They went through several words without as much as a hitch. More than half-way through the list, Steve noticed the floating projections around Shuri started to change, some of the areas in Bucky’s brain turning red. The man himself tensed, and his breathing became faster. He looked as if he was in physical pain, yet was trying to fight his reactions.

“Hey, hey,” Steve whispered, leaning closer to his friend and giving his hand a tight squeeze. “I’m here, Buck. I’m here.”

Bucky didn’t look at him, only blinked a few times, his gaze aimed above him, on the dark-blue, glassy ceiling. His body started to relax, and Steve felt him gripping his hand tighter in return.

It took a while for them to finish. Bucky looked collected at the end, but Steve could see through it, understood his friend wasn’t feeling well. He wanted to take him back to the apartment, cook him a nice dinner. He thought about the few months Bucky had to go through this on his own, and he regretted not being here even more.

“By the way, here’s something else for you,” Shuri shrugged, throwing a round sphere in Steve’s general direction. It was very unexpected, and Steve suspected there was no way he would’ve caught it if he had normal human reactions.

On a closer examination, it turned to be a device of some sort, almost smooth, with the exception of intricate furrows running around its surface. They seemed dark, carved into the sphere, until Steve’s fingers run over them, his touch bringing these lines to life, making them glow faintly blue.

“It’s like your cell-phones, but better,” Shuri explained. “Bucky already has one. It will allow you to communicate from anywhere, and they use our personal satellites, so the calls will be untraceable.”

Steve wanted to ask how to use them, but decided to postpone it in favor of getting Bucky out of here sooner, hoping it will ease the tension in his friend’s shoulders. “Thank you very much,” he nodded and placed the device into his pocket.

“Any time,” Shuri grinned, bumping him on the shoulder.

***

It wasn’t difficult for Steve to notice his friend behaving more distantly, but he wasn’t going to mention it. He understood that it was difficult for Bucky and was ready to give all the space the other man needed. Still, after Bucky had warned him about the aftermath of the sessions, he expected it to be worse.

As it was, they still talked a little about nothing in particular, and Bucky even teased him as Steve struggled with local technology, attempting to look up a recipe on a computer in Bucky’s apartment. In the end, Steve gave up on it completely, and tried to throw together something on his own.

Bucky became quieter as the sun began setting again. He sat on the chair in the kitchen with a mug of tea in his hand, staring at the partially unpacked gift basket as if trying to figure something out.

“Want to go eat candy on the balcony again?” Steve proposed taking a seat on the chair on the opposite side, the gift basket now standing between them, partially blocking Bucky from Steve’s view.

Most of the stuff they pulled out was still on the table, the items sitting abandoned but not forgotten. Steve noted that the strange bottle Bucky had gotten flustered about was gone now, and he couldn’t even start to imagine what happened to it.

“Nah,” Bucky shook his head, taking another sip from his mug, which from a closer distance smelled like fruit and flowers, maybe with a hint of mint.

Steve thought it was the end of the conversation. He remained in the same place, just watching his friend, his slow movements. He regretted picking this particular spot and wanted to move closer, but wasn’t sure if it would look a little strange. With no better option, he settled for moving the basket to the side, packing some of the bottles back into it.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Bucky asked him, and when Steve raised his head, he saw his friend looking at him closely.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Steve agreed with a soft smile.

The couch in the living area was designed for two people. It was rather small, with barely any space between their hips. On a different day, Steve wouldn’t have even noticed it, but as they left the kitchen and sat down on it, he felt as if he was intruding into his friend's personal space.

Steve tried to focus on the movie instead. He’d always been fascinated with cinematography. The way someone could create moving images on a flat surface, bring a story to life before his eyes.

He’d always understood the process behind movies, he’d even been in a few himself a long time ago. This technology had never been some sort of magic to him, but something feasible instead, a projection of light through a lens that he could explain.

Now he wasn’t entirely sure. As he watched spaceships flying through the depths of space, strange aliens moving around, he couldn’t understand which was real and which wasn’t. He knew they used computers, but he had no idea what for, or how it was done.

Bucky’s eyes were a little wider as he watched. He looked a little confused, terrified but also fascinated. He was sitting practically curled into himself, his feet resting on the edge of the narrow couch, his arm hugging his knees.

Steve knew his friend liked science-fiction more than he was willing to give away. Bucky had been dragging him to Stark’s expo every year, convinced him to go watch _Frankenstein_ , _The Invisible Man_ , _Flash Gordon_.

Still, he worried a little that Bucky wasn’t comfortable, that seeing violence after his session with Shuri would trigger a memory from the past which neither of them wanted to relive. However, when he casually asked if the other man wanted to watch something else, Bucky only shook his head.

Steve kept his eyes on the other man for a little longer, but Bucky really seemed fine. Just a man out of his time who was trying to catch up with modern era, while failing miserably and trying to pretend otherwise.

They were the same in that aspect.

Steve’s hand kept tingling, and he could practically feel Bucky’s palm in his, even if it had been hours since he held it. Without understanding why, he found himself wanting to reach out, to hold it again, and he wondered if it would be strange to ask.

It wasn’t the first time they held hands. Even in their childhood when they had to run after a train, Bucky dragging a much slower Steve by his hand. And later, during the war, when either of them were pulling the other out of danger. Yet, Steve had never paid attention to it before, he’d never been so _aware_ of such a simple contact.

“Everything alright?” He heard Bucky’s voice and saw his friend’s questioning look, realizing he was staring again.

Ignoring the burn of his cheeks, he shook his head. “Yeah, Buck. I was just lost in thought,” he said and turned to the screen on the wall.

A second later, he felt a hand landing on his shoulder and shuddered, trying desperately not to show his reaction. The hand lingered for a moment, perhaps longer than needed, and then Bucky pulled it away, leaving Steve to watching a movie he’d lost a track of long, long time ago.

“Fine,” he muttered so quietly he wasn’t sure Bucky heard him, before reaching out and taking his friend's hand. It was stupid, and more than a little awkward, but Bucky needed his support now, and that was what he was going to get.

The other man stilled for a second, exhaled loudly through his nose, but didn’t say a thing.

***

The day after their visit to the lab went relatively smoothly. The night, however, was a different story.

When Steve was woken up from his sleep it was still dark. In the quiet of the room, he heard strange sounds from the other side of the bed, Bucky’s breathing coming in short gasps, mixing with soft groans.

The room was dark, but the moonlight coming from the window was providing just enough illumination to see signs of distress on Bucky’s face. His skin was gleaming slightly with perspiration, eyebrows furrowed. There was a tear running down his cheek, and he was gripping into the pillowcase so tight, Steve thought he could rip it.

“Buck?” he called out quietly, but to no avail, so he reached out, placing his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

And then Bucky started to kick, his body almost trashing against the blankets. One of his knees hit Steve into the stomach, hard enough he was left breathless from the pain. Still, Steve ignored the discomfort, reaching out and trying to pin Bucky down.

“It’s ok, Buck, it’s ok,” he called louder. “I’ve got you.”

After another moment of trying to hold his friend still, Steve felt Bucky calming down. He was still breathing hard, and his eyes were wide open but glassy, unfocused.

“Steve?” he whispered, sounding out of breath.

Hoping the other man wasn’t going to assault him again, Steve rolled off of him. He still held Bucky close, embracing him tightly and felt his friend lean into him. Bucky was trembling against his body, close enough Steve could feel his heart beating, his breath tickling the skin on Steve’s neck.

Bucky was warm, almost hot, and Steve felt as if he was falling into the deepest pit, his own breathing hitching. Closing his eyes, he was trying to ignore the heat in his chest, the strange buzz under his skin that was spreading from every point of contact between them.

“I killed them,” Bucky cried against his shoulder. “So many people, Steve. Innocent people.”

“I said it before, it wasn’t you,” Steve tried to reassure him, rubbed gentle circles over his friend’s back.

“But I saw them die. I watched myself do all those things, Steve. I almost killed you! How...” he sobbed, his shoulders shaking, and Steve felt something wet against his skin. “How can I ever forgive myself?”

Steve thought about it. He didn’t have an answer, and doubted he would ever be able to find one. He knew no matter how many times he was going to say Bucky wasn’t at fault for what happened, it wasn’t going to help. He doubted it was something Bucky even wanted to hear.

And so he let him cry, for as long as Bucky needed to. Until he couldn’t cry anymore, until he was too exhausted to continue.

“You can do something,” Steve said finally, when his friend’s breathing started to calm down, and his chest stopped shaking. “One day, you can save somebody, save many people.”

Bucky hummed questiongly against his shoulder, but didn’t say anything, didn’t even move.

“You could help people, protect them,” Steve continued.

He still wasn’t too fond of the idea of putting Bucky in danger, wanted to protect him, but locking him up wasn't going to help with the guilt. It was another similarity between them, both were so used to the fight that it became a purpose. But for Bucky it could be even more — a chance to redeem himself. If it was the case, Steve was going to support it.  “If you want it, of course.”

Finally, Bucky shifted a little, moving away just enough to look Steve in the eyes. “I told you that before. I will follow you into battle. Always. Until the end of the line. You never seem to listen.”

“Yeah. Well,” Steve sighed. “Sorry about that.”

Bucky’s expression softened, and he gave Steve a weak smile. “I don’t deserve you,” he shook his head.

“But I deserve you,” Steve replied without thinking. He realized how weird it sounded the moment the words were out of his mouth, yet it was impossible to take them back.

Bucky’s eyes widened and he looked at Steve surprised. Then a chuckle escaped him. “Look at us, decided to go all emotional in the middle of the night.”

Steve snorted. “I guess it’s the age.”

Bucky’s smile widened, and he closed his eyes, turning onto the other side, his back pressed to Steve’s chest. “Maybe you’re right,” he said, before falling completely quiet.

“I’m always right,” Steve retorted.

They were still laying next to each other, and Steve’s hand was wrapped around his friend’s torso. He wondered if he needed to move away, but realized that he didn’t want to. It just felt nice, and so Steve decided not to think about how he was now spooning his best friend, shutting down completely the part of his brain that was screaming that not only was something unusual was happening between them, but it was going to become more and more difficult to ignore if Steve continued. Instead, he closed his eyes, snuggling even closer to Bucky.

“You make me want to fight for you,” Bucky said quietly, his voice weak as he was already halfway asleep

“I’m sorry.”

Bucky chuckled, “No, not on the battleground,” he said taking Steve’s hand into his again. “Like this. I think I might.”

Steve took a slow breath, every part of him almost going into overload from the sensations. “Like what?” he asked, not wanting to jump into conclusions, because those conclusions scared him.

There was no response from the other man, only calm, deep breathing.

***

“Do I look ok?” Steve asked trying to straighten the jacket that even on touch felt too expensive.

Barely getting by in his early years, Steve wasn’t used to clothing of this quality. Neither was he used to formal attire, having to dress up in a suit only a few times in his life, and most of these times were after losing a loved one.

And this was most definitely very expensive formal attire that he and Bucky were wearing now. Two suits were delivered to their door earlier this morning and, after trying it on, Steve realized they were actually tailored for them, not just mass produced. Where they got his measurements, and how they managed to sew it all together so fast and without a single fitting was beyond his comprehension.

Both suits were dark blue, with Steve’s a few shades lighter than Bucky’s. They consisted of silk button-up shirts with no collars, jackets that were reaching almost to their knees and pants that had no creases. Shoes that were most definitely made of real leather were also provided.

Bucky gave him an appraising look, and huffed. There was something in his eyes, a sparkle of heat and amusement. “Do you expect me to start adjusting your ties now too?” he scoffed, sounding lighthearted. “I must warn you, marital duties come either as the full package or not at all,” he added with a wink.

Steve stared at him in utter shock, his jaw dropping. “What?” he asked dumbfounded. There was no way he heard it correctly, because if he did, it sounded an awful lot like a flirtation.

Before Bucky could respond (if he was ever going to,) a loud sound of an approaching aircraft interrupted their conversation. The two of them stood in the dome on the top of the apartment complex. It was much bigger than Steve expected, containing another garden with benches and picnic area, and a landing zone where they were expected to wait to be picked up.

It looked to be the same shuttle, with royal insignias. Gracefully, it descended onto the pad, kicking some dust into the air from under their feet. The moment the shuttle touched the ground, the hatch door started to retract, revealing Shuri waving at them.

There was more jewelry on her from when Steve seen her yesterday, and her vest and leggings were replaced with a white dress. Still, it looked strange on her, out of place, and Steve suspected it was because neither her posture nor gestures matched the outfit.

“I wish we could just have a casual lunch with them,” Bucky said quietly as he waved back and smiling pleasantly. “As it is, I just want it to be over.”

***

Steve was certain that no matter how many times he was going to visit the royal palace in Birnin Zana, he’d never cease to admire the grandeur of the place. It was towering over the entire city, making him feel tiny in comparison, but also fortunate to be given a chance to see it.

The room the dining table was set in was enormous. It reminded Steve of one of domes in Bashenga, because most of its walls were made of a transparent, glass-like material. Yet, the room wasn’t round, more of a cylindrical shape, with half of it built into a mountainside. Grey  stone was protruding into the room, different statues, shapes of local animals carved out of it, each looked so real, as if ready to come to life on command.

The table stood in the center of the room and was able to easily fit fifty people if not more. Yet, it was only four of them sitting around it. There were more people here, servants bringing food, several Dora Milaje warriors guarding every entrance, but because of the enormous size, the room still felt empty.

The dinner was surprisingly pleasant and much less formal than Steve expected. They were able to make small talk with T’Challa and Shuri, even joke a little. It surprised Steve, but after a little while the several guards in the the room had also joined the conversation, as if they were old friends and not royal servants.

What improved Steve’s experience even further was the food. They were local dishes, that consisted of meats and vegetables, some of which he couldn’t name. Still, he wasn’t picky and had no fear of trying new things, and was more than pleasantly surprised at how good everything was.

“You know, Wakandan weddings are very beautiful,” T’Challa said matter of factly.

Steve was in the middle of bringing a forkful of meat, that could’ve been lamb, into his mouth. The king’s words almost registered as something not of major importance, but he noticed Bucky freeze in his spot, color leaving his face.

“I could assign you some planners, if you wish,” T’Challa proposed meanwhile. “Or you haven't thought that far yet?”

Steve almost opened his mouth to ask the king what he meant, when Bucky started to speak instead. “It is a little early to talk about it,” he said hurriedly, avoiding eye contact with everyone inside the room.

Blinking several times, Steve was staring at Bucky in shock, his thoughts racing in his head. “Are you getting married?” he asked feeling both confused and hurt he was finding out something so important like this.

The silence that hung in the room was so awkward and so potent, Steve though it would’ve physically slowed down his movements if he decided to walk away. And, oh, he wanted to walk away, because of how unpleasant he felt sitting there looking at his best friend, waiting for him to laugh it off and tell Steve he would never keep something like that a secret from him.

Bucky became even paler, but he managed to turn and look at Steve directly. “Uh, no one’s truly asked me yet,” he said to Steve relief, managing to sound both pained and challenging at the same time.

“I apologize, I didn’t mean to pry into your relationship,” T'Challa said a little confused, his gaze unmistakably shifting between Steve and his friend, and he too now looked rather uncomfortable. “It’s just a bonding stone is a symbol of serious commitment. Some people use it as an engagement gift.”

Steve wanted to ask what bonding stone T’Challa meant, but something clicked in his head then, his gaze falling onto the necklace on Bucky’s neck, the one Steve gifted him. A realization hit him, and he felt his own eyes bulge. Did he accidentally propose to his best friend? Did Bucky accidentally accept it?

He felt his face burn at the idea, and he could barely move in the shock of his own embarrassment. His heart was beating so fast, that just for a second he started to worry he was going to get an arrhythmia, before remembering he hadn't had those in years, ever since the serum.

Then something else caught his attention. As he turned to look at Bucky in search of moral support, he saw guilt in his friend’s eyes, regret. Steve recollected how strangely Bucky behaved when he received it, how tense and nervous he’d become, and suddenly he wasn’t so sure Bucky was as unaware about the meaning of the gift.

He wanted to ask, wanted to question him, but they were still in the middle of the dinner. He couldn’t do it in front of their hosts, and it would’ve been extremely impolite lo leave now. “It’s just not something we talked about,” Steve said deciding to play along not to embarrass himself even further in front of other people. He tried to sound casual, as if it wasn’t a big deal, but his voice was shaking, so were his hands.

T'Challa nodded politely. “So, in this case, what did you think about the tour around the palace? I’m planning on including it to a customary visitor greeting.”

And just like that, the conversation shifted into a completely new direction, for which Steve was grateful. He was still nervous, and his face felt so hot for the rest of the evening, he wished for nothing else, but to stick his head under a spray of cold water. At least the atmosphere in the room returned to a more relaxed one, the tension gradually leaving everyone’s shoulders, even if only for the time being.

***

They didn’t speak on their way home, didn’t exchange even a single word. Bucky locked himself in the bathroom the moment they got back to the apartment, without so much as a glance at Steve. He reemerged half an hour later, changed completely into clean clothes, which looked a little like pajamas, but Steve wouldn’t want to label them as such, not to mess up some other important local tradition Bucky didn’t bother to mention to him.

“You look angry,” Bucky spoke finally, sounding crestfallen, which made Steve rather embarrassed at his reaction, even if he honestly thought he had every right to be upset.

“Oh, what made you think that?” he retorted nonetheless.

The other man bit his lower lip and fell silent again. Steve looked him up and down, waiting for a response. He noted the necklace was no longer on him, wondered how much effort he needed to put into unscrewing the complicated lock with only one hand. How much determination.

“You knew about the stone, didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Bucky finally glanced at him and shrugged. “Imagine how silly you’d have felt if I did?”

“Right, cause looking stupid in front of T’Challa was so much better,” Steve nodded. Then he realized something else. “Even before that. Everyone around us thought we were... lovers,” he pronounced the word carefully, trying to ignore how strange it made him feel to use the term. “And you never told anyone otherwise?”

“You think too much about irrelevant things,” Bucky replied, plopping down the couch, reaching for the remote. “Want to watch another movie instead?”

Steve stared at him, unable to believe neither his eyes, nor his ears. “Really?” he asked dumbfounded, as Bucky settled on ignoring the topic completely, like he didn’t care. Then Steve simply turned around and went into the bedroom, deciding he also needed a shower to cool off.

“Am I sleeping on the couch?” he heard his friend’s voice from the living room.

“Sleep wherever you want.”

***

Steve tried to convince himself he didn’t care, but about twenty minutes into his attempts to fall asleep, he started to worry Bucky would decide to stay in the living room, on the couch that was too small to be even remotely comfortable. The moment the thought crossed his mind, however, he heard the television turning off, Bucky shuffling quietly into the bedroom.

“Hey,” Steve whispered as the mattress shifted under the the weight of another body, his friend sliding under the covers.

Bucky froze hearing him speak, and Steve chuckled unintentionally realizing the other man was waiting for him to fall asleep. “Hey,” he returned in the same hushed manner, as if there were other people in the room they could wake up if they spoke even a little louder. He shifted slightly trying to find the most comfortable position, laying down facing Steve.

As they laid next to each other, Steve was starting to feel bad, thought that perhaps he overreacted a little. Yes, Bucky made him feel uncomfortable in front of people who helped them so much, but it wasn’t like he knew T’Challa would decide to bring it up. Besides, Steve made it sound as if other people thinking they were involved was the most horrible thing to happen, and he worried it could’ve come out in a way that made him seem... intolerant.

He wanted to apologize, tell Bucky he didn’t mean to raise his voice, but now he couldn’t tell for sure if the other man was still awake.

Bucky laid still, his eyes closed, his expression peaceful, relaxed. In the dimness of the bedroom, Steve watched how the moonlight was reflecting off his skin, his form outlined against the window.

There was distance between them, so much that Steve wasn’t even able to feel the warmth of his friend's body with his heightened senses. He was embarrassed by it, but he wished Bucky would stir, would turn in his sleep and end up closer. Maybe even have another nightmare so he would end up sleeping pressed against Steve completely.

There was something heavy in Steve’s chest, something he hadn’t wanted to think about the entire time he was here. Because, after everything said and done, he was still a coward.

One thing was clear, he wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep for hours to come, maybe the entire night. Slowly, so as not to disturb his friend, he got up from the bad and moved towards the balcony, stepping into the cool night air.

It wasn’t really all that cold, but after the warmth of the bed, Steve found himself shivering a little. Still, he welcomed the sudden drop in temperature, hoping it would help him cool his mind, he same way it was cooling his body.

Moving towards the railing, he leaned on the cold metal, looking at the scenery below. It was still bright down there in the center, and in the distance Steve could still see people moving around, some music playing, a city living it’s nightlife.

It wasn’t his city however, it wasn’t his home, his time. Nothing here belonged to him and Steve’s heart ached. He felt alone and longing for something he didn’t even dare to name.

He thought about Peggy, about that date he wanted to go on with her, about how different his life would’ve been if he had gotten there in time. He wanted that kind of life once, but now he wasn’t sure. Still, he missed her sometimes, but his love was nothing but a distant memory now, one that could still warm his heart, but was unable to make it ache, and the feeling of Peggy’s lips against his had faded with years.

Bucky was right, he had nothing, he’d lost all of it after spending seventy years in ice, and what he’d managed to earn, he gave up out of his own free will once again. There was no going back to the life he’d left behind, there wasn’t asking forgiveness from friends he turned away from.

Except no matter how much he thought about it, he didn’t regret it, because it was the right thing to do, he believed in it with his whole heart. And that made his loneliness unreasonable, his longing insatiable.

“You’re a horrible boyfriend, left me all alone in bed,” Steve heard Bucky’s sleepy voice behind him and when he turned to look in the direction of it, he saw his friend standing in the doorway between the bedroom and the balcony, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand, why are you still joking about it?” Steve sighed turning away, and his grip around the railing tightened. He didn’t feel angry, not anymore, but somehow it still felt as if his friend was poking him in a sore spot.

Bucky was the only thing he had left, he was someone Steve cared about the most. Sometimes it scared him to think how much he valued him and how much more he was ready to give up for him. Then again, he would’ve been dishonest with himself if he thought it was the only source of his fear.

Closing his eyes, Steve exhaled slowly in an attempt to calm his heart pounding in his chest. He heard his friend shuffling quietly towards him, and when he opened his eyes he saw Bucky standing beside him, almost mirroring his posture.

“I’m an idiot,” Bucky sighed, and there was something in his voice that made Steve second guess everything he knew about him. It wasn’t pain or regret, at least not only, because there was enough of it too. It sounded like Bucky was giving up. “I lied to you, I lied to everyone around. But I guess I just wanted to imagine it was true, even if I know I don’t deserve it. For that, I am sorry.”

“What? What do you mean you wanted to imagine it was true?”

Biting his lips, Bucky looked away from him. “Dammit, do you really want me to say it?” he groaned, his gaze turning to the city below.

“Bucky...” Steve sighed. It wasn’t an answer, wasn’t an encouragement even, just a name.

“When Shuri proposed replacing the associations I had with the words, she asked to concentrate on something that made me happy. And all I could think about was you. You, stupid, brave, wonderful idiot who threw away his own life just to give someone undeserving a second chance.”

He paused as if trying to find the right words, and Steve wanted to say something in the meanwhile, but he couldn’t. His heart started to pound in his chest again, and his cheeks burned stronger than ever before as he was starting to understand what Bucky was saying to him.

No, as he hoped it was what his friend was saying.

“Damn you, you punk! You want to know why I was so tense around you? Because I’ve fallen so completely and utterly in love with you! Because every time you stand too close I have to fight the urge to touch you! I felt like this for as long as I remember, suppressing it, pushing it away. But it’s gotten worse after the stupid therapy, and I have no idea what to do with this anymore...” He shook his head then. “I’m sorry, I really am. I don’t want to lose you because of it, but if you want to leave tomorrow, I understand. I’m just gonna go get some extra blankets and sleep on the floor.”

With that, Bucky almost turned around, starting to walk back into the room. He didn’t manage to get far, wasn’t even able to take a single step, because, before he fully realized what he was doing, Steve reached out and caught him by the arm, pulling him back towards himself.

Their gazes met, and Steve could see confusion in Bucky’s eyes, fear that matched Steve’s own.

Bucky opened his mouth but didn’t say anything, didn’t move for several long moments. His hand was warm in Steve’s grip, almost hot in contrast to the night air, and Steve was suddenly not only aware of this touch, but remembered every single one they’d shared in the last several days. Still, he couldn’t look away from Bucky’s eyes, from his own reflection in them, from the tears gathered in the corners ready to roll down his friend’s cheeks.

And this was it, that was what terrified him the most, that was what Steve was trying not to think about this entire time. So much had changed in his life, but his friend was a constant, someone that was always there, without questions, without complaint. He was afraid of losing it, even to a change in their relationship.

But then again, weren’t the things one was afraid of most often the right ones?

Steve had no idea what he was doing. He wanted to say it was ok, he wanted to tell Bucky his confession didn’t repulse him. Instead, unexpectedly to himself, he pulled him closer and took a step forward. His free hand landed on Bucky’s cheek and he leaned in, pressing his lips to Bucky’s.

The other man went completely still for the longest moment of Steve’s life, his body rigid in surprise. Then he trembled against him, melting into the embrace, into the kiss, answering it.

Bucky’s lips were a little chapped, but soft and warm. The scruff of his beard was tickling Steve’s mouth. It felt unusual, but from the very first second Steve understood he had little chance of ever wanting to stop kissing him. It was as if everything between them had finally made sense, as if after years of stumbling in darkness, he finally was able to see. As if after so long of being lost, he reached home.

Suddenly, Steve was pushed backwards, against the railing, and Bucky’s tongue pushed inside his mouth. This simple motion, the sensation of it, made him shudder, and the heat spreading around his body had nothing to do with embarrassment this time.

“Steve,” Bucky breathed out, finally managing to detach himself enough to speak. “Does... does it mean...”

“I have no idea,” Steve shook his head, breathing hard, feeling a little dizzy. He wanted to touch Bucky, wanted to pull the strange robe out of the way and find out how his skin felt under his palms. Or, rather, how different it would feel to touch him with such a novel purpose.

“Steve,” Bucky whispered pressing his lips into the corner of his mouth, hand running up and down his side. “Do you want to go to bed?”

Bucky’s voice was unusual, low and gravelly, almost unrecognizable, and it did something strange to the pit of Steve’s stomach. It was so distracting, he almost missed the point of the question, wanting to reply that he doubted he could fall asleep now. And then he understood it, and his eyes flew open. “Yeah,” he nodded frantically. “Yeah, I do.”

Chuckling, Bucky moved away, and every part of Steve’s body immediately missed the other man’s presence. But it was alright, because Bucky was taking his hand, pulling him back into the bedroom. And then his lips were on his again, kissing Steve deep, and so desperate his head began spinning.

Bucky started to undress him, tugging on his undershirt, trying to take it off. It was clumsy, the man working with one hand, but he was determined. There was no hesitation in him either, as if he wasn’t even remotely embarrassed by his actions or, at the very least, he was really good at hiding it. “Have you... have you done this with a man before?” he asked, as Steve reached to help him, glad they both were dressed so lightly for the night.

“I haven’t done it with anyone,” Steve replied simply, a thought about it being strange never registering in his mind.

There were multiple emotions crossing Bucky’s face as he heard it: surprise, disbelief, astonishment. Then his expression settled on something carnal, something hungry that sent another wave of shivers down Steve’s spine.

“Honored,” Bucky grinned, with an expression that made Steve want to roll his eyes. He ignored the urge, pushing him onto the bed instead, watching him land on the mattress with a quiet gasp of surprise.

Steve didn’t remember either of them turning it on, but the bedroom wasn’t dark anymore, a single lamp illuminating it dimly from the ceiling. He was grateful for it, because now he was given a view he’d never even dared to dream about about.

His eyes traveled down the length of Bucky’s body, which was familiar and new at the same time. Now openly, he was admiring his muscular chest, his stomach, the way the light was reflecting from his skin making it look golden. He’d done this so many times before, pretending it was an artistic interest, realising only now, it wasn’t a pencil he wanted to trace every contour of Bucky’s body with.

His eyes moved down, towards the only remaining item of clothing on Bucky’s body, the boxer briefs that did almost nothing to cover up how aroused he was, and Steve felt his breath hitch.

“Are you going to just stand there or what?” Bucky said, and there was challenge in his voice, in his eyes.

Steve had never turned away from a challenge. Climbing on top of the other man, he covered him with his body, pressing their bare chests together, starting to kiss him again. He felt Bucky’s hand running down his back, sliding to his buttocks, giving it a squeeze. Then he pulled Steve closer, rolling his hips upwards at the same time.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Bucky breathed out in a moan.

The word was sharp, and a part of Steve was proud he managed not to point out the dirtiness of his friend’s language. The other part of him was simply too preoccupied with the sudden intense sensation that shot through his entire nervous system as he felt Bucky so hard against his own aching member.

Steve had known arousal, he’d felt it before. It was very embarrassing for him to admit, but he even touched himself on occasions. But this was nothing like it. It was as if he was slammed in the chest with the strength of his desire, was left breathless, gasping for air, unable to do anything but hold onto Bucky.

Lost in sensation, he continued to roll his hips, but it wasn't enough. “I have no idea what to do,” he confessed, and was unable to recognize own voice because of how rough it turned.

“I want to do so many things with you, I have no idea where to start,” Bucky laughed in response. “Touch me,” he added then simply, rolling them both to the side, taking one of Steve’s hand into his, guiding it between their bodies and under the waistband of his briefs.

Something told Steve that this was the point of no return, that this particular moment was the last line he could cross, before there was going to be no way out for him. Yet, he wasn’t hesitant, as his hand enclosed around Bucky, tearing another desperate little sound from his lips.

Bucky’s head fell onto the pillow, his lips parted slightly, and there was so much heat in his eyes, so much desire, Steve was sure it was the most erotic thing he’s ever seen.

“Whatever happens,” Steve said licking his lips as his hand continued to move over Bucky’s length, enjoying the way it felt in his palm. “Just don’t pinch me. If this a dream, I don’t want it to end yet.”

Bucky laughed, openly and unrestrained, and Steve wanted nothing else but to continue hearing it as often as possible. “I want you,” he said without thinking, not entirely sure what exactly he meant.

Bucky’s eyes opened wider and he gasped looking Steve in the eyes. He didn’t reply at first, seemingly contemplating, then licked his lip and nodded. “Yeah, ok.”

Placing another kiss on Steve’s lips, Bucky rose up and reached around Steve, pulling something from the nightstand.

“I’m going to guess it’s not a sandwich spread,” Steve huffed, feeling his face burn with both amusement and embarrassment as he saw the familiar bottle with red label.

His words made Bucky laugh again. “Pretty sure you can eat it too. It’s a, uh... massage oil,” he said before opening the bottle with his teeth. Somehow, he managed to get it onto his hand without spilling it. “I need help taking this off,” he added nodding at his underwear that somehow stayed on him up to this point.

Nodding, Steve reached to tug that last piece of clothing off, finding himself in front of now completely naked Bucky. Granted, he’d seen him without clothes before. When they used to live in a tiny apartment together, even walked a few times on his friend pleasuring himself, but he’d never actually seen him aroused, and the view made his mouth water.

Bucky’s movements turned slower from there on. His gaze was locked on Steve as he moved his legs apart, reaching between them with his slick hand.

It took a second for Steve to realize what the other man was doing, but when he did, he found himself making a low, surprised sound that was something in between a groan and a gasp, his body shaking at the sight. There was anticipation in him that he couldn’t deny, his imagination providing him explicit detail of what was going to happen next.

Mesmerized, he watched Bucky’s fingers slip under his scrotum, one of them sliding inside, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration.

Steve had no experience with this. He had a general idea, heard a thing or two about it, but never had a real interest to learn more, wasn’t entirely sure about all the logistics of how two men could be intimate. Still, there was logic to what Bucky was doing, he could understand the general idea behind it without a need of an explanation.

Picking up the discarded bottle of oil, he spread some of it over own fingers and reached for Bucky. Ignoring his friend’s confused sound, he pushed his hand out of the way, replacing Bucky’s finger with his own, sliding them slowly in.

“Buck,” he breathed finally leaning over him, covering his chest with light kisses as he was carefully stretching the other man. He wanted to be careful, but Bucky felt hot and tight around his fingers, and Steve was starting to lose patience, his basic reflexes taking over. “I’m sorry, I need—”

“Don’t hold yourself back then,” Bucky replied interrupting him. “Come on, Steve. Please.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Shifting his weight without an effort, he quickly spread the remaining slick from his hand over his length before aligning himself against the other man, pushing in. He was trying to go slow, but Bucky’s body felt like a furnace, and the sensation of burying himself inside him was better than anything Steve could imagine.

He wanted to lean in and kiss Bucky again as he started to move in and out, trying to distract himself from coming right there and then, but noticed tears in his friend’s eyes. “Buck, I’m not hurting you, am I?” he asked concerned.

“I love you,” Bucky replied, which wasn’t an answer to his question, but Steve trusted him enough to know he wouldn’t lie. “Please. Steve. Please,” he pleaded, his hand slipping between their bodies, taking a hold of himself, palm mirroring Steve’s every movement.

Steve couldn’t hold it anymore, starting to thrust without any restraint. It felt like the rest of the world disappeared around them, like there was nothing else but the heat of his lover’s body beneath him, no other sound but their shared cries of pleasure.

“I love you,” Steve found himself saying, understanding it was true. Perhaps, this love wasn’t romantic from the start, but it was there, undeniably, for as long as Steve could remember it. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he was repeating, his movement losing any semblance of rhythm, until every last thought disappeared from his mind, and he was coming with Bucky’s name on his lips.

Steve thought he passed out after it, he couldn’t tell for sure. When the world around him started to come into focus again, he found himself splayed over Bucky, panting through a wide grin. He felt weak too, as if he returned into the body of his previous self, his every muscle sore, slack.

He could feel the wet mess between their bodies, but Bucky was comfortable under him, his breathing tickling Steve’s neck in a most pleasurable manner. Still, even if his friend didn’t complain about it, Steve forced himself to roll over, fall onto the bed beside  him.

“Was it worth it?” he heard Bucky ask in a tired, uneven voice. “Waiting, I mean.”

Steve turned to look at him, his smile widening even further. “Every last second.”

“Well, I’m glad,” Bucky smirked and once again it was both a familiar and a completely new emotion on his face. He was right, they’ve changed, same as everything else around, but now Steve understood it was ok, not every change was a bad thing.

Bucky laughed then, shaking his head as he continued. “I can’t believe it happened. I think I’ve wanted you ever since I learned what sex was.”

“I was puny, why would you ever...” Steve blinked in disbelief, then realized something else. “Why haven’t you ever told me?”

Bucky shrugged. “When? Before the war?” he asked reaching for his discarded underwear and making a quick job of cleaning them. “I mean, I know you wouldn’t tell on me, even if you were disgusted, still, wasn’t exactly the most accepting time period. Besides, I liked dames just fine, so thought ignoring it was best for everyone.”

“I guess,” Steve nodded with a smile turning on his side to embrace Bucky. His friend’s scarred shoulder was bumping Steve in the chest and, without thinking, he leant to place a kiss on it.

Bucky flinched at the touch, but then relaxed, his expression turning soft and he reached to touch Steve’s face. “You know. I’m glad to see you smile again.” He said softly. “I missed seeing you happy.”

Steve raised an eyebrow in confusion, before understood what the other man meant. He was so consumed with his worry about Bucky looking unhappy, that he didn’t even stop to think what would Bucky make of his own constantly sour expression.

“I guess I’m an idiot,” Steve said and pulled his friend closer, kissing him again, slow and deep. He didn’t intend for it to turn into anything more than that, at least not at first, but he felt another wave of arousal starting to settle in the pit of his stomach. “I want you again, can we do this again?”

Bucky’s smile turned mischievous. “As many times as you can handle,” he said with a challenge, rubbing Steve’s beard.

Grinning, Steve returned to kissing him again. In the end, he wasn’t one to pass on a challenge.

***

It was already bright outside when Steve started to wake up, loud songs of birds coming from somewhere on the other side of the window. Still in a dreamy haze, he felt warmth beside him, a solid weight across his chest and shoulder.

He turned his head slightly, and something tickled his nose, forcing him to try scoot away from the source of discomfort.

“Mmm,” came a muffled sound of displeasure form his side, making him a little more aware.

As he slowly opened his eyes, he saw Bucky’s head, hair messy from the sleep thrown around the pillow and Steve’s shoulder, so close to his face, Steve could smell the fruit and mint shampoo.

Bucky himself laid snuggled close to him, his arm resting on Steve’s chest. The skin between them felt a little damp from the night’s perspiration, which reminded Steve neither of them wore any clothes to bed.

Steve found himself smiling widely at the thought. It was a completely uncontrollable reaction, but he didn’t mind losing control in situation like this. Leaning closer, he placed a kiss on his friend’s forehead. “Morning, I know you aren’t asleep,” he whispered against his face.

“No,” Bucky replied, “but this is nice, and I wanted it to last in case you’d wake up full of regret.”

Steve thought about it. He couldn’t deny what happened was a little unexpected, and his mind still couldn’t completely wrap around the idea, but he didn’t feel bad about it either. “No. Nothing like that,” he grinned, turning to his side and snuggling closer to his friend.

His body felt a little sore, and he wanted to stretch and move around. His stomach was starting to grumble, which meant it was already past his usual breakfast hours. On top of that, he was really starting to feel a need to relieve himself. Glancing at the clock which was projecting holographic numbers above the nightstand, Steve noted it to be rather late.

“Ugh, should we get up? It’s after ten,” he asked.

Bucky made another indistinguishable sound, that could’ve been anything from agreement to a request for Steve to go someplace unsavory. Then he tensed up, his eyes flying open. “Uh, that late?” he asked, surprised, starting to immediately get up.

Steve blinked a few times, his brain still a little slow after sleep. “Did you have plans?” he asked in confusion.

“Ugh, yeah,” Bucky replied rolling off the bed and starting to look around for his discarded clothes. “My herd. I told them I was going to get back to work today. Which I am. You’re welcome to join.”

“Join in herding goats?” Steve asked absentmindedly, too distracted by the sight of naked Bucky, his taut skin reflecting sunlight coming from the window, muscles rolling under it. He’d seen him like that plenty of times before, yet it was the first time he realized he could openly enjoy the view.

“Trust me, we can find work for you too,” Bucky winked at him.

Steve noted him struggling with clean underwear he pulled out of a drawer, trying to do something in a hurry proving to be more difficult than usual. He knew, if asked, Bucky would refuse help, so Steve didn’t ask. Standing up from the bed, he moved to pull the briefs up Bucky’s hips, ignoring his friend’s glare that was somehow annoyed and grateful at the same time.

Steve was certain the shirt laying abandoned on the floor wasn’t something Bucky planned to wear, but he reached to pick it up anyway. As he lifted it above the ground, a leather-strap necklace with a red stone fell from it. It landed on the carpeted floor without a sound, yet it made Steve flinch as if he heard an artillery round in the tight space of the apartment.

Both of them turned completely still looking at the thing, and in the silence that followed Steve could hear his own heart thumping in his ears.

Slowly, with caution, as if the necklace could come to life and bite off his fingers, Steve picked it up. “Would you like to wear it again?” he asked tentatively as he turned to look at Bucky.

“Not, as an actual marriage proposal, I assume?” Bucky raised an eyebrow.

“Not with a five dollars trinket, Buck. That’s just bad taste,” Steve chuckled.

Bucky nodded once. “Well, I did enjoy silently telling everyone around about my then-nonexistent relationship with you. I should like the real deal even more,” he grinned.

And if there were tears in his eyes, well, Steve wasn’t going to mention it either.

**Epilogue**

The sun was at its zenith, the summer air warm and dry. Perhaps, it was a little too warm for Steve’s liking, but in the shade of a tree and with a bottle of iced tea, he could find the charm of his current situation.

Head resting on Bucky’s lap, he was listening to the monotone chirp of cicadas and bird songs, mixed with an occasional bleat of a goat. Around him was a grassy field surrounded by fences on each side, grazed by the livestock they were watching over.

“You can take another nap,” Bucky proposed, fingers of his hand digging into Steve’s hair, massaging his scalp.

“Mmnnn, no, dun wanna,” Steve muttered sleepily, enjoying his lover’s gentle touches. “Want to spend more time together.”

Steve hadn’t had an exact date he planned to leave, and so he stayed for months. And it’s been a good time, helping Bucky working in the field, returning home with him every evening, watching some movies snuggled on the couch.

It was strange living such a domestic life. After everything, he thought it could never be his, neither had he believed he would ever be able to fit into it. But it was ok, because Bucky was here, with him, because he could melt into his embrace, kiss him and feel whole again, for the first time since he’d woken up in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s headquarters with his entire life lost to time.

“I can tell Nat I can’t go,” Steve said glancing up. “It’s not too late if I do it now.”

A day earlier, Natasha had sent him a message and a location for their rendezvous in Europe. As he still couldn’t really use the phone for anything but some cryptic, coded messages, Steve wasn’t even sure what the job was. If he had anything to go by, he was going to end up chasing more alien weapon dealers, or something similar.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Bucky rolled his eyes. “You’re fine now, a few more months and you’ll start trying to crawl up a wall. What am I gonna do with you then?”

“Oh, I dunno, I’m sure you could handle it,” Steve smirked, before adding more seriously. “Or you could go with me.”

They both knew what Bucky was going to say to that, yet he still took a moment to consider, his eyes moving away from Steve as he looked somewhere into the distance. “I better stay out of it for a while longer. Until you really need me.”

Steve didn’t want to think about the circumstances in which he would really need him in the fight, and so he didn’t reply. Instead he concentrated on Bucky’s hand that was still in Steve’s hair. It was a lulling atmosphere, and he had to fight against falling asleep, even if on a different day he’d enjoy a little afternoon nap next to his lover.

“We now have these metal things, can talk to each other while I’m away,” he reminded about the communicators that Shuri had given them. “And I’ll return to you as soon as I can,” he reassured.

“I know,” Bucky said softly, a smile both on his face and in his voice. “And I will be waiting for you to return.”

**The end**


End file.
